Trash Talk Fridays: Fire vs. DC United

I take back everything I said about the Chivas USA mascot. Good God. (source: wikimedia commons)

On Sunday the Fire may or may not revisit the War of 1812. In the meantime, OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz finally applies his eight-week course on psychoanalysis for an inside look into a DC supporter’s mind…

Bad dog! Bad DC! Let go of the newspaper! Let go…let go…drop it! Okay now sit! Eww, it’s all covered in your slobber you disgusting animal. What the hell has gotten into you? No you’re definitely not getting a treat, you’ve been incredibly bad! Don’t give me that look because I am sooo angry with you right now.

*Sniff*

*Sniiiiffffff*

Now what the hell is that smell? Hmm…No it’s not coming from the trash…The bathroom smells alright…Let’s check the bedr- OH MY GOD! That is absolutely disgusting! Did you shit on the bed again!? Seriously!? Ew ew ew ew. Oh no, my Egyptian cotton sheets! I just bought those! Bad dog! Bad DC! Bad! Bad bad bad!

The sheets are completely ruined! Ugh. Yeah, that diarrheic mess is never going to clean off of those sheets. I mean what the hell did you eat and how could you poop that much!? I mean why the hell would you go do that on the bed!? Should I rub your nose in it? Ugh. No, I can’t even get near it. It smells so bad. Oh, I think I’m going to be sick…

*Retch*

*Gag*

*Splash*

Ohhhhhhh…ohhh I just threw up. I just threw up! Ohhh wait…wait!

*Retch*

*Heave*

*Splash*

Don’t look at me like that DC! No no no no don’t eat it! Ewww, you’re just licking it up! I had fish and shrimp with mashed potatoes for breakfast this morning. That is so nasty! This day is completely ruined…

I just…no wait don’t throw up DC! Ughhh now you’re licking up your own throw up. Fuck it.

*Sigh*

You know, you used to be such an awesome pup. Remember last year when we made it to the Frisbee playoffs at the dog park down the street? Those were the days, weren’t they DC? Yeah that’s right. Now look at us, covered in each others slowly drying throw-up, and reeking of your poop. Ugh…

Why does it feel like you’ve totally given up? It’s like you don’t even try anymore. I can hardly get you out for walks; you never want to chase your Frisbee anymore. I mean, do you even care about the Frisbee playoffs this year? If you do, you’re definitely not showing it. I mean, you go and do stuff like like this! Like having explosive stinky-ass diarrhea all over my bed and just trotting along like it didn’t even happen. I’m your biggest fan, why would you do that to me!? I know you’re just a dog, and you probably have no idea what I’m even saying to you, but I don’t think other dogs treat their owners like this, you know?

You’re breaking my heart DC.

Well, I guess we better clean up this mess before you make it even worse. Will you fetch me that rag, boy? Will you fetch me that rag? No no, the one next to it. No DC, the black one with the eagle on it. Yeah! Good boy! Good boy!

I don’t know DC, maybe things will finally start to look up for us. In the meantime, I’m going to call the vet and see about getting you fixed.

OTF’s Ricardo Ortiz hates you, and your animals. However, he adores his cat Pancakes. Follow him @RickHardTimes

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